A little about me lately.

As you may have deduced from the state of my blog . . . tumbleweeds . . . this has not exactly been a good few months for me. I’ve been trying and trying to put this into words, and I may never succeed fully, or make anyone understand.

Have you ever arrived in a place in your life and felt like nothing fit? Like everything in the world around you disagreed with you? It’s a scary feeling, especially when you think you were the one who crafted this life for yourself.

To put it more specifically, imagine the early college years of your life as time spent carefully crafting a suit for the life you want to live. The later years are where you put on the suit and begin work on building everything else. With me so far?

This year, I walked into the semester with a little less weight on my back - fresh off the loss of the relationship I had convinced myself would just be good enough for the rest of my life; I pulled on my suit, the suit I had been tailoring for myself for two years. It fit well enough - like everything else it would be good enough, and so I went on my way, hoping that I would find that my relationship was the only thing that was amiss in my life.

But as the days and weeks wore on, I began to realize that there were many things about this suit that were not right. The cut was tight, the details stuffy - and it was made of rubber. The basic form was what I wanted, but somewhere along the way I had begun making a scuba suit without realizing it - What was supposed to be light, airy, beautiful, classy, and quirky was instead constricting, hot, cheap and tacky. I didn’t know how to continue with this thing I had created, but I knew I had to, so I faked it.

Every morning I had to struggle to leave my room, seeing everyone else flowing by comfortably in their world while I couldn’t quite explain why my world was so difficult to navigate. Everything from my clothing selection to my choice of beverage with lunch to which study playlist I was going to listen to became a conundrum, an imponderable impossibility.

At a loss, I gave up on choosing a path and latched on to someone who is very close to me, but is notoriously unstable. She decided our weekend plans, where we ate and with whom, how often we drank, and dragged me along with her while she did a lot of things I disagreed with, but didn’t have the heart to argue about - if I lost her, who would I have? And once I slunk back at night, alone in my room at last, I would seek the things that I thought I wanted, disappear into TV shows, fandoms, and the internet. I thought maybe here I could find a place where I could fit for a while. But nothing felt right, the smiles and laughs were precious but fleeting. I felt - not empty, but lost within my own mind, like every fiber of my being was a betrayal to my true self.

Obviously, a lack of ability to choose is not the most convenient problem to have if you are an English and Philosophy major, and your grades depend on your ability to create and defend an argument. I stopped turning assignments in, doing just enough to get by, and avoiding eye contact with my professors. I just couldn’t write, and I was embarrassed. I hated myself for who I had become. I hated myself more than I have ever hated anyone or anything before. I knew I was intelligent, brilliant even at times, but I didn’t know how to be intelligent - how to be me.

I spent a lot of time over the break trying to figure out just who the hell this Sammi girl really is … And I know that she has absolutely nothing to do with the person from last semester. Sammi is not a hot mess every weekend. Sammi does not compromise her morals, the law, and everything she loves for one friend. Sammi does not lock herself in her room and pretend to be asleep just to avoid contact with people … well, not often anyway. Most of all, Sammi is happy. Sammi is positive and likes being around people. Sammi is goofy and quirky and a total dork, but doesn’t completely lack social graces. Sammi doesn’t cry herself to sleep every night or try to come up with reasons to move back in with her parents. All I know is that I can’t survive without Sammi - the real Sammi.

This semester, I will have to work harder than I ever have to prove myself. I will have to cut ties with the person who I have been calling my best friend, but who I have been misleading in order to please for three years. I have a lot of work to do before I’ll be Sammi again, but I hope that when the dust clears, she’ll be there, and I can finally start to make a suit that will really fit her.

I just wanted to share this with you guys. Thanks for reading.

I feel so lonely.

It's been a month, and I'm still aching inside. God, I am really trying to do the right thing for myself. To learn to love myself. I wish I could do that without all this brokenness.

The Letter E

Today, kids, we will learn about the letter e.


So, this will be a bit of a rambling post, because there are two things that begin with the letter e that I REALLY love. And will probably post more than one picture of. You have been warned.

First thing,

ELEPHANTS.


Honestly, if you don't like elephants, I see no reason why I should like you. Elephants have always been my favorite animal, and I'm not 100% sure where it started, I did dress as an elephant for Halloween when I was three, at my request, so I know it was early.

If I had to guess, all roads probably point to Disney, and this little guy.



I felt a deeper connection with Dumbo than I did with any Disney princess when I was small (that is, until I learned to read and met Belle of Beauty and the Beast). I had always felt like I was different, that my imagination was too big for many of my peers and others, like the things I said and thought about and asked and wondered about weren't normal. It wasn't a negative thing, I just knew what it was like to be obviously separate from everyone else, and to have the kind of mom that would protect me and love me no matter how much the world would eventually come to hurt me.



As I got older, I learned that the mother/child relationship portrayed in the film and found in my life is not far from the truth of the way that elephants actually behave, in fact, they are known as some of the best parents in the animal kingdom.




Once, when I was about ten, I was at my grandma's house watching an animal show on the discovery channel or nat geo or animal planet or whatever, and it was about elephants - needless to say, I was glued to the screen. I watched a soon-to-be mother elephant give birth, and as she rushed to clear her newborn from the membrane it is born in (sorry, I know that's gross) she found that it was stillborn. The mourning I saw and heard from that animal, who was obviously very excited to be a mother, was heartbreaking and has stuck in my memory.

I admire this about elephants, and the fact that they have a matriarchal structure, and that they emphasize families within the herd as well as the herd. For example, I read a while back that an entire herd stopped progressing in a risky area of predators to find a single lost calf.

Then there's the obvious, the size of elephants. I love that a creature exists that has the power and ability to be so destructive, and yet has such a gentle, thoughtful nature.

Plus, they're just really freaking cute.

JUST LOOK AT IT'S LITTLE FACE.


The Second thing, is EGGS.


I know this is a weird thing for me to love so much, but freaking eggs are so awesome.

So, yes, I am like that girl on the Amanda show in this way.


Aww, Debbie, I missed you.

Now, back to the point, EGGS ARE DELICIOUS. I will now post pictures of the many ways I like eggs.



I challenge you to find anything more universally delicious and easy to make than eggs on toast. It's even better when you cut a hole in the bread, put the bread in the pan, and fry the egg in the middle of the toast. yumm.



This is delicious. I've only had it once, but eggs on pizza = delicious.


Egg salad sandwiches. Yum.


Deviled eggs, the first thing at Thanksgiving to disappear.


Hard boiled eggs, perfect for everything. Especially everyday breakfast.


Eggs Benedict. FAVORITE.

Okay, enough egg spam. you get that I really like eggs.

That's all I have to say about that.

I'm sorry I have neglected you.

I haven't felt as though anything I could possibly have to say is of any substance recently. Maybe I'll work on a letter.

Bahhhhhhhhhhh . . . .

I CAN'T SEEM TO GET ANYTHING DONE.
EVER.
ESPECIALLY NOT ON TIME.
THIS IS A PROBLEM, ESPECIALLY SINCE I'M A STUDENT AND ALL I AM ASKED TO DO IS GET THINGS DONE ON TIME.

Sorry for the all caps and scary nature of this post, I'm just very frustrated with myself. Hope all is well, nonexistent readership :)

The Letter D

Today we will learn the letter D.



The first thing I will list, something that is on my mind pretty much all the time, is:


DENVER. I love this city, and I don't even like cities. there really isn't any place like it, anywhere. I know people hear and say and sing all kinds of awesome things about Chicago, New York, Seattle, San Francisco, and Las Vegas . . . but in my mind, nothing can match the relaxed-yet-productive energy of Denver. Nowhere else will you find tree huggers and businessmen sharing coffee, nowhere else will you find a constant reminder of nature's dominance over a city skyline with the ever-present Rocky Mountains to the west, nowhere else will you find so many independent art projects and glorious, gaudy architecture from the "city beautiful" era standing strong and blending in with the stark and crumbling low-income urban homes, nowhere else will you find the unsinkable spirit of Molly Brown permeating every endeavor. You can keep Chicago and New York, you can keep your precious coastlines. If I have to live in an urban setting, there is no other candidate.

My next thing is also a place, also a city. This one isn't home, but it felt close.

Dublin, Ireland. I loved this city when I went, and the country will always be the gem of my heart. we'll get to the rant about Ireland if I ever get around to the letter I. Dublin is a beautiful place, full of old buildings with new purposes, chain-smoking schoolboys and grannies, and some really kind and fun people. What I loved the most about this place was the mere culture - the people of Dublin work their asses off all week and relax at home or in a pub on weeknights; the city is quiet Sunday through Thursday. Come Friday night, the energy shifts completely; it turns into an environment close to the revelry and general drunkenness of Las Vegas, then Sunday, the streets are cleared, the churches are full, and the city is quiet again. I love that philosophy: Work hard - it's fine to have a good lunch and a pint to make it bearable; Go home - relax when the day is done, eat, drink, and laugh; Celebrate - When the work week is done, let loose with your friends, be as loud and merry as possible; Pray - No matter how hard you partied the night before, get to church/mass, God will forgive all, and wipe you clean just like the sidewalks. I often yearn to return to Ireland and learn more from observation, and I try to carry myself with the same easy and driven attitude that Dubliners do, but I forget and move back into my American frantic pace all too often. I love Dublin because it taught me a lot about life in a few days, and I haven't been the same since I left it.

That's all I have right now, might add more later if I am so moved. Do I still have readers? How are you?

An Interruption of the Alphabet.

Hello my dear readership,

The purpose of beginning the Alphabet of Inspiration was so that I would blog more regularly. Obviously, that hasn't worked out the way I thought, but I do plan on finishing the alphabet in a timely manner, like weekly or bi-weekly hopefully. If you guys bother me enough about it, I might do it :]

Anyways, I thought I would update you on my life.

Since my last post I:

- Got straight A's for the first time in my whole life, after the most difficult semester I have ever encountered.

- I reevaluated my relationships and changed some of them

- I realized that the way I have been living my life isn't really working out.

- I revamped my wardrobe

- I received a nook color from the pooled funds of my family

- I spent time with my brother

- I saw Black Swan

- I suffered the loss of a beloved family pet who has been in my life for 12 of my 20 years.

- I tried and failed to set boundaries

- I ate new foods

- I got rid of half of my closet

- I worked out regularly, lost no weight, but felt better?

- I set up a plan for next semester

- I am attempting to fix my self-esteem problems

- I am trying, in all matters that need my attention, I am trying.

- I hope to have hope.

I'm a Terrible Blogger.

Sorry guys my life has been craaaazzzzzzyyy in more ways than one. I'll probably crank out several letters over winter break. But until then pretty much everything but school and AGD are on hold.

The Letter C

Thanks for your patience, kids! Good thing none of you are learning your ABCs from this or you would be the slowest learners ever. I will try to make my updates more regular from now on, hopefully weekly, but that's optimistic. Life has been a little crazy.


Today we're going to learn about the letter C.


The first thing that I will list, which also happened to be my first word, is:

COOKIE. Like Cookie Monster always said "C" is for Cookie. He is correct. I love to bake, smell and eat cookies. But my very favorite thing to do is bake about a million of my secret recipe chocolate chip cookies, and watch people eat them. I love to make people happy with my baking adventures, whether I get to eat a cookie or not. I always get to lick the spoon anyways :]


CATS.
Cats are amazing. I have two at home. They are soft and loving and mysterious. Sometimes they scratch, and sometimes they throw up, and some days when you come home they don't want to sit in your lap. But I think their intelligence, mixed with their vulnerabilities and flaws, make them wonderful.



Chocolat is one of my favorite films of all time, because it is so much more than a love story. It is about acceptance, and friendship, and letting go, and the difference between spirituality and religion. Plus, Johnny Depp AND chocolate is involved, also with an incredibly fashionable and engaging heroine.

I have TWO songs this time, one is
Casanova, Baby! By Gaslight Anthem
and the other, which features my favorite music video of all time is Can't Stop by The Red Hot Chilli Peppers.

Also, please let me know if these videos (specifically the first one) is a live/ lame recording, my internet is spotty here at AGD, so I wasn't able to check it out first.

Hopefully y'all will hear from me next week :]

Boundaries

The letter C is in the works. I have to rant.

Have you ever wanted something that you used to have, or thought you had? Something that is not possible now? Something that will probably be yours eventually?
Have you ever waited patiently because you've been promised a change?
Do you ever think you've been fooling yourself?
When does forgiveness become madness? When does self-sacrifice become self-mutilation?
How long is it okay to help the one you love and ignore the harm you receive?

Tears have fallen easily these last few days. He left Friday. Last time I saw him it was Wednesday, and things were normal; maybe even better than ever. It really bothers me that I haven't seen him since it all came crashing down, but I doubt it bothers him. He seems quite happy with the arrangement; he seems confused about why I'm so upset when this is happening to him. I can't be the pillar of strength I was for him last time. I want to see him, I want him to hold me, or just touch me as I curl up in the fetal position and melt away in my tears. I want him to know how deeply insecure I've been for months, how I've wrapped much of my self-worth in whether I heard from him that day or not, how many crazy girlfriend tendencies and thoughts I've buried.


I know I can't depend on him, or anyone, for all the responsibilities I've assigned to him. Especially not now. That's why I tried to loosen our ties to each other, tried to make this separation easier. But I feel like my heart has been ripped out, stomped on, run over,chopped up, tossed around, pureed and given back to me a mess. And this isn't the first time. I feel like I mean less to him than he does to me, though I know that's not true. It doesn't erase the fact that the decision that made our one year anniversary one of the hardest days to get through so far in my life was made with little or no thought of me, was made without a phone call before all was decided. I'm a satellite in all this when it hit me in the very core, and I just have to get through it alone. It is wrong of me to even expect to have been a part of it. I know I'm being selfish and acting like a child, but how long will I have to sit patiently and keep my mouth shut, waiting for a normal and happy relationship, without the obsessiveness on my part and the weirdness and secrecy on his?

So this love. I think it's worth it.

The Letter B

Soo now we finally move on to the letter B!!! Get excited.




BRAS/ MY BOOBS. Okay, so anyone who knows me knows I have larger breasts than most people, so I consider myself a bra expert by default. Bras to me are one of the most wonderful inventions of all time. They're beautiful, they support you, they are comfortable, and they can make me feel lovely and desirable on my worst days. Also, I am a bit of a bra drill sergeant. Ladies, if you are larger than a double A and are wearing an article of clothing that is not supportive, do the world a favor and PUT THE EFFING BRA ON. There is nothing that makes me more uncomfortable than a woman who is not wearing a bra. I know this makes me sound silly, but I really don't think that it is a bad thing to look your best, and bras are not difficult to wear. Some women act like they're being asked to wear an iron chastity belt. Put the lighter down, ladies. love the bra and it will love you. /rant.

Now, I have had a love hate relationship with my breasts since I had to get a C-cup bra at age 8. But now I don't really know who I would be without them. They're part of my identity, they've given me an external aesthetic obviously, but they also have given me the ability to laugh at myself, the experience of crippling self consciousness, and the figure similar to Ms. Monroe, which doesn't hurt me a bit. They're like my companions - they are always there, and they go through all that I do. They're part of what make me . . . me. and I never want them to be anything but the way they are. Though it would be nice to spend less than $70 on a bra, and not have to plan a major heist to find one in my size. Just sayin'


BLOGGING. I know I don't update a lot, and I'm not about to quit my day job and live off my blog profits from my millions of followers, but look at the amazing things you can find in blogs. Some of them are boring and incoherent, but parts of life are boring and incoherent. Look at the voice the common man has now, look at the opportunity we all have to create and share. I can't get over how amazing that is.


BOYS.
May I say that I adore the opposite sex? I love males - of all shapes, sizes, and age. Of course I'm attracted to some of them, but it's more than that. I love the way boys do things. I love the way they think, the way they can solve a problem with a short tussle or a smart ass comment. I love to talk to boys. I love the earnestness in young boys' faces when they are talking to their mothers. I feel like I can learn so much from my male counterparts, and I find them fascinating, captivating, and admirable at the base of what they are. I believe in boys, and I believe that males and females have a lot to learn from each other if they will ever stop it with the expectations, accusations, and wrongs against each other. I hope one day we can coexist without one stifling the other, and we can really value what makes us different.

Wow, b makes me philosophical. here's a weird glam rock song that begins with b. Enjoy.

The Letter A

Today, children, we will learn about the Letter A.
Here are a few important things in my life that begin with the letter A.



One of my besties, Andrea. Sometimes when I'm with her, I wonder how it's possible for two people to be so different and sometimes, I wonder how it's possible for two people to be so much alike. Andrea challenges me and makes me think everyday just by being who she is, and she is super duper fun and awesome. I love her to death.




Next is Alpha Gamma Delta, my sorority. Not only am I inspired and changed by the women I live with, but also the organization itself and what it represents. I'll not bore you with the details, but the Purpose is on Wikipedia if you want to see a sliver of what I mean :]




Audrey. What can I say? She is beauty, grace, and class personified. But she is so much more than an icon to me. Here is a woman who knew how to live life. She never considered herself the most talented, beautiful, or engaging person in the room, she just went out and did her very best every time. She worked hard, was never above speaking to anyone, and aged gracefully by doing nothing to stop age from coming. She inspires me often.



Amelie is a movie that is so beautiful and so lovely and it makes me so happy that I cry sometimes. I LOOOOVVVEE this film.

And, last but not least,
ALONE by Heart.

This song is so incredible. Just listen. Your ears, and heart, will thank you.



Much Love,
Sammi

New project for my blog.

I am going to begin crafting an alphabet of inspiration . . . basically, each post I have a letter along with songs, books, films, people, whatever that inspire me that start with that letter.

unfortunately, i don't have time to post this business now, but the letter A is on its way!! haha that rhymed.

I still believe

I still believe that there is something beautiful to be found somewhere in every person I come across.

I still believe that if I learned every bit of information in the universe, I would still learn something new every day

I still believe that happiness is a choice you make every second

I still believe that cynicism is the fastest road to pain

I still believe that our strongest bonds with God are created when we are the farthest removed from Him.

I still believe that there are boys in this world who will feel lucky if they get to hold her hand and talk for hours.

I still believe that nothing worth having should be easy to get

I still believe in good intention

I still believe that everything should be approached with the wisdom of an elder and the innocence of a child.

I still believe that marriage can work.

I still believe that doubt is the better part of faith

I still believe in the nobility of humankind

I still believe you should love yourself before you give love to someone else

I still believe that things happen for a reason

I still believe that a person with the smallest faith has a larger impact than someone who believes nothing

Despite everything,
I still believe.

Some songs I am enjoying

I thought I would share some music with you, friends.
Click on the title to listen.

Mumford and Sons - The Cave

Such a powerful, yet quiet song. I would almost say smoldering. I've never come across a set of lyrics that are so loving, so cruel, and so honest all at once. One of my favorite discoveries on the radio.


The Raconteurs - These Stones Will Shout
First of all, the guitar work on this song is gorgeous, and this may be one of my favorite songs of all time. It is from one of my favorite albums of all time. I believe everyone who enjoys good, complex, diverse rock sounds should own a copy of "Consolers of the Lonely". I also love this song because I feel like the way the music sounds tells the story better than the lyrics. But I'm crazy like that. In short, I LOVE THIS SONG.


Ra Ra Riot - Can You Tell

What can I say? This song is beautiful, through and through. And addictive to boot.



That's all I have for now.

Hmmm

The most difficult feeling of all is the feeling that I have nothing to say.
So I thought I would at least say that.

Home.

It feels very strange being back home . . . I mean, given the drama and stress that ended my first year of college, I was more than ready to return here, to slow down and enjoy time with family and friends, to take some time to work on me - and, trust me, I need a lot of work - but it still feels strange now that I'm here. Part of me feels like everything has been paused since the last time I was here, as if home and Wesleyan live in different dimensions and different timelines, but another part of me feels like an observer in a household which has learned to function without its fourth member. While I know I'm welcome and it's a comfort to be here, I can't help but feel like a guest at times, especially when special dinners are made and I am asked what I would like to do for the day. I know this feeling will fade soon, as it did during my Winter break, and I imagine that my new job will help. When I am here, it is easy to regret moving so far away. Sometimes it feels like the 8 hour drive/train ride might as well be light years away from home, and it makes me feel very alone and independent. So when I'm back, it's hard to become part of the family rhythm again. Regardless of these feelings, it's really, truly good to be home at last.

Friendship.

I've been having a lot of talks about friendship and relationships in general lately.
And, to be honest, it's a lot more complicated than it seems. I don't think I'll ever be able to tell you exactly what friends are because it's different for everyone. But here are my personal views on how to be a friend.

-Never compare one friendship with another. Everyone's unique, so are friendships.

-Meet people where they are, and don't have a list of expectations.

-Take what you feel like you can give back.

-RECIPROCATE. No one should have to guess if you care about them.

-Make your friends and their feelings a priority over your convenience. If you tell someone you will be there, do what it takes to be there.

-Love them. Forgive them. Accept them. Take care of them. But only if they have earned it.

-Respect them, and let them be who they are.

-Know when to let go.

-Listen to them - I think this is the most important. Don't just hear. listen.



Night night.

I can't believe it.

My first year of college is coming to a close.
I feel like I just got here, like I have a lot of time. But I quite clearly do not.
Sketchhh.

Pause.

I'm writing to you in the thick of my second all-nighter in three days.

I've had to have a marathon of heart to hearts with my best friends.

I had a visit from my mother, which was wonderful, but included a surprise group therapy session where all of my dirty laundry was aired out to my friend and her mom at the Green Gateau, and I received advice and pity from people I didn't want to share my problems with in the first place.

I have had several increasingly difficult conversations with the man I love since April 15th.

I've fallen asleep crying one day, and smiling the next.

I've been sick and healthy, lazy and productive, shallow and deep - depends on the hour.

I need a pause. Time to rest. Time to pray. Time to think.

But life is not kind enough to stop for a moment so that I can breathe.