Boundaries

The letter C is in the works. I have to rant.

Have you ever wanted something that you used to have, or thought you had? Something that is not possible now? Something that will probably be yours eventually?
Have you ever waited patiently because you've been promised a change?
Do you ever think you've been fooling yourself?
When does forgiveness become madness? When does self-sacrifice become self-mutilation?
How long is it okay to help the one you love and ignore the harm you receive?

Tears have fallen easily these last few days. He left Friday. Last time I saw him it was Wednesday, and things were normal; maybe even better than ever. It really bothers me that I haven't seen him since it all came crashing down, but I doubt it bothers him. He seems quite happy with the arrangement; he seems confused about why I'm so upset when this is happening to him. I can't be the pillar of strength I was for him last time. I want to see him, I want him to hold me, or just touch me as I curl up in the fetal position and melt away in my tears. I want him to know how deeply insecure I've been for months, how I've wrapped much of my self-worth in whether I heard from him that day or not, how many crazy girlfriend tendencies and thoughts I've buried.


I know I can't depend on him, or anyone, for all the responsibilities I've assigned to him. Especially not now. That's why I tried to loosen our ties to each other, tried to make this separation easier. But I feel like my heart has been ripped out, stomped on, run over,chopped up, tossed around, pureed and given back to me a mess. And this isn't the first time. I feel like I mean less to him than he does to me, though I know that's not true. It doesn't erase the fact that the decision that made our one year anniversary one of the hardest days to get through so far in my life was made with little or no thought of me, was made without a phone call before all was decided. I'm a satellite in all this when it hit me in the very core, and I just have to get through it alone. It is wrong of me to even expect to have been a part of it. I know I'm being selfish and acting like a child, but how long will I have to sit patiently and keep my mouth shut, waiting for a normal and happy relationship, without the obsessiveness on my part and the weirdness and secrecy on his?

So this love. I think it's worth it.