Centered.

Being so far from home, I feel very removed from my foundation, far from my center. Don't worry, dear reader, this post is not about to filled with pseudo-zen west-east find-your-chi-and-eat-your-flax-seed crap. I don't really prescribe to any of that. Growing up, weekends have always been family time, time to relax and unwind at home. Sometimes I would even turn my cell phone off on Saturdays to avoid the awkwardness of rejecting my friends' invitations in favor of watching movies with my parents and brother. Now that I am going to school 7 hours away from home, I can't really do that on the weekends.



Often I feel when I spend my weekend with friends, I roll straight into Monday still carrying the fatigue of last week, and the week before that, and the week before that. No matter what I do during the weekend, I don't feel rested or relieved or happy. I never really thought about or wondered why this was. Sometimes you find answers before you ask the questions. This weekend I went to my boyfriend's house to visit his parents and his grandma, and to do some free laundry.



I was welcomed into their home on Saturday afternoon, ate home baked pizza, played video games (kids v. adults) and watched movies. Before I knew it, it was 5pm on Sunday, I was freshly showered after hot tubbing the night before, I had a ham sandwich and fresh coffee in my stomach, and my embarassing quantity of laundry was done and expertly folded by the able hands of an 85-year-old woman who managed to fight me off when I tried to do it myself. I was told to come by anytime and my boyfriend was asked to drive safely.



When I got back, I immediately unpacked everything and put things back in their place, which is unusual for me because I usually let full suitcases sit there for several hours before I touch them. I felt so good, I even cleaned up my dorm room. It was going to be a droll Monday. Two tests, early morning, long afternoon. But I did everything diligently and with confidence. And I think it's because I was in a home full of love for 24 hours, and that was all I needed. It wasn't anything like going home, but somehow it was close enough to make me feel rested.

Welcome

I would like to apologize to whoever may or may not be reading this for how unceremoniously I flung the reader into my most complex and deep emotional feelings in the first post. I am rather secretive about romantic love, and it was rather freeing to go on a rant about it. But now, I want to be a good blogger and introduce my dear reader to this blog.
Really and truly, my only purpose is to keep myself writing. I have always been a writer, and with the challenges and pressures of academia, I have lost the need to write for pleasure for the past couple of years, and thanks to my friend (who is currently the only person who knows about this blog) I have decided to start a blog- and actually keep it current.
The title means exactly as it sounds. I am Sammi, in search of self.
So here, you will find the ramblings of a college student. You will find attempts at humor, irony, and profundity.
What you will not find here is cynicism. I think that life is far too short to not approach it with as much enthusiasm as can be produced in that moment.
You will not find pretension. I am not here to impress anyone, just to write. Maybe inspire something in someone somewhere, but I seriously doubt that will happen.
Lastly, you will not find moping and emotional drivel. Life happens to everyone, and I don't believe that anyone with the ability to blog by definition really has the right to claim that life is a swirling pool of thick black darkness, and you will not find those claims anywhere near here.
So, if anyone's out there, spending time reading this, thank you for your time and patience. I may not sweep you off of your feet, but I hope to make you at least smile.
Love always,
Sammi

Love

I am in love.
Honestly, this is difficult for me, this feeling of love. For so long I have been used to isolation, to the sanctity of being the only one inside my head, the only one who understands me. I am very comfortable in loneliness, I am happy to go about my business without my hand being held or my forehead being kissed or being told how lovely and wonderful I am. In fact, I would often get annoyed or embarrassed when receiving compliments or special attention from anyone outside of my family. I like the isolated existence of my life most of the time. I can live in my head without dragging anyone else into it, and that spares me and my loved one. I have hidden from romance, wanted it but avoided it for the majority of my life. But here I am, deeply and irrevocably in love for the first time.
I feel alarmingly human. I feel out of control, extremely prone to make mistakes, to make my life messy, to hurt and be hurt. I am terrified, vulnerable, naked. I feel like every action could ruin everything or every non-action could ruin everything. I am frightened beyond belief. But I think feeling this way reminds me that I'm alive, that I am mortal and that the world is finite and could crash around me at any moment. And for the time being, I am incredibly uncomfortable, but endlessly happy.