The Letter C

Thanks for your patience, kids! Good thing none of you are learning your ABCs from this or you would be the slowest learners ever. I will try to make my updates more regular from now on, hopefully weekly, but that's optimistic. Life has been a little crazy.


Today we're going to learn about the letter C.


The first thing that I will list, which also happened to be my first word, is:

COOKIE. Like Cookie Monster always said "C" is for Cookie. He is correct. I love to bake, smell and eat cookies. But my very favorite thing to do is bake about a million of my secret recipe chocolate chip cookies, and watch people eat them. I love to make people happy with my baking adventures, whether I get to eat a cookie or not. I always get to lick the spoon anyways :]


CATS.
Cats are amazing. I have two at home. They are soft and loving and mysterious. Sometimes they scratch, and sometimes they throw up, and some days when you come home they don't want to sit in your lap. But I think their intelligence, mixed with their vulnerabilities and flaws, make them wonderful.



Chocolat is one of my favorite films of all time, because it is so much more than a love story. It is about acceptance, and friendship, and letting go, and the difference between spirituality and religion. Plus, Johnny Depp AND chocolate is involved, also with an incredibly fashionable and engaging heroine.

I have TWO songs this time, one is
Casanova, Baby! By Gaslight Anthem
and the other, which features my favorite music video of all time is Can't Stop by The Red Hot Chilli Peppers.

Also, please let me know if these videos (specifically the first one) is a live/ lame recording, my internet is spotty here at AGD, so I wasn't able to check it out first.

Hopefully y'all will hear from me next week :]

Boundaries

The letter C is in the works. I have to rant.

Have you ever wanted something that you used to have, or thought you had? Something that is not possible now? Something that will probably be yours eventually?
Have you ever waited patiently because you've been promised a change?
Do you ever think you've been fooling yourself?
When does forgiveness become madness? When does self-sacrifice become self-mutilation?
How long is it okay to help the one you love and ignore the harm you receive?

Tears have fallen easily these last few days. He left Friday. Last time I saw him it was Wednesday, and things were normal; maybe even better than ever. It really bothers me that I haven't seen him since it all came crashing down, but I doubt it bothers him. He seems quite happy with the arrangement; he seems confused about why I'm so upset when this is happening to him. I can't be the pillar of strength I was for him last time. I want to see him, I want him to hold me, or just touch me as I curl up in the fetal position and melt away in my tears. I want him to know how deeply insecure I've been for months, how I've wrapped much of my self-worth in whether I heard from him that day or not, how many crazy girlfriend tendencies and thoughts I've buried.


I know I can't depend on him, or anyone, for all the responsibilities I've assigned to him. Especially not now. That's why I tried to loosen our ties to each other, tried to make this separation easier. But I feel like my heart has been ripped out, stomped on, run over,chopped up, tossed around, pureed and given back to me a mess. And this isn't the first time. I feel like I mean less to him than he does to me, though I know that's not true. It doesn't erase the fact that the decision that made our one year anniversary one of the hardest days to get through so far in my life was made with little or no thought of me, was made without a phone call before all was decided. I'm a satellite in all this when it hit me in the very core, and I just have to get through it alone. It is wrong of me to even expect to have been a part of it. I know I'm being selfish and acting like a child, but how long will I have to sit patiently and keep my mouth shut, waiting for a normal and happy relationship, without the obsessiveness on my part and the weirdness and secrecy on his?

So this love. I think it's worth it.